What’s not to like?
Thick jet-black hair, medium built, fair-skinned, kind eyes. He wasn’t someone that you would go “woah!” when you see him for the first time but he’s definitely someone that you would go “aaaahhh…” as you get to look at him more. He has this special aura that was interesting and a quiet spirit that was appealing.
Knowing what we find “attractive” here in the Philippines, he could undoubtedly pass as a T.V. personality with his Eurasian looks and could probably be a DJ or a host with his love for music, manly voice and charming accent (think “sosyal na bisaya” English accent, lol).
And what’s not to admire?
He was consistent and persistent. One of those few guys who was courageous to pursue me. He was clear about what he wanted.
He was a gentleman and cheeky at the same time. He could be serious and he could be funny.
He was thoughtful and sweet. (Imagine someone leaving a pile of letters for you to read every day and someone who plans surprises while they were away.)
He honors and values the people around him. And more importantly, he loves God and he loves to care for people.
So our chats would involve sharing about our day, our hopes and dreams, some Bible verses, our prayers for each other and for other people.
We would also casually talk and have Q&A’s about the future. What kind of wedding do you want to have? How many people are you going to invite? What’s your dream honeymoon destination? How many kids are you willing to have?
These of course didn’t involve any serious planning but were just interesting questions to ask and answer as we got to know each other more. But yes, you can say that the thought was there.
“ARE YOU READY?”
This was the question that a friend/ mentor asked me when I told her about Guy’s arrival and our growing connection.
I paused and answered, “YES”. And slowly swallowed after my response. I definitely like him and won’t let him pursue me without the intention of getting to know him more and the possibility of being committed solely to him. But honestly, my heart was willing but my head was questioning things.
And so the time came. He arrived in Manila and met my family and friends. It was something new and strange for me. For a few days that we got to see each other, I saw how special he was. So I know in my heart that the willingness of my heart but the questions in my head wasn’t because of him. It was all me.
“I look forward to continuing to build our relationship with the goal of committing solely to each other in the future and beyond.”
This is what he said after our rendezvous in Manila.
BUT AM I REALLY READY FOR THIS?
Am I capable of loving and committing to someone who was so certain about us while I question a lot of things?
I know that,
“GROWING ONE’S HEART TO REACH ANOTHER IS A PROCESS AND EVEN A SACRIFICE.”
Am I willing to grow my heart to reach for him, to love him and to give him a whole part of me and who I am?
THE TUG OF WAR…
I know that I am capable and willing of loving…
While someone is capable and willing to build something special and lasting with me, I was also slowly feeling broken…
Exactly a year before I met Guy in Australia (same month and a year apart), a painful news was revealed to me and my family. The closest person in my life, my best friend, my mom has only a few months to live. That was her doctor’s surprising report. Mama was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. And this immediately broke my heart and spirit.
As I was beginning to have strong feelings for someone, I was beginning to feel tender and weak…
I was getting to know someone new while I was losing someone that I know and love so deeply well. I was getting extremely vulnerable.
Something’s been slowly wasting away while someone’s filling my heart with something new…
She’s been progressively getting weak while his feelings and our connection’s been developing and getting strong.
I was in two conflicting extremities.
It was 2 years before I was about to turn 30. And there was someone. Clearly, it could be the perfect time for my plan to get married (before 30) to become a reality. I’m this close in fulfilling My Bride Story.
This could be the perfect time, right?
“But then, again, while a new love was steadily growing, a well-known love, my comfort place was gradually parting…”
I. WANT. TO. BE. FULLY. PRESENT.
And I can’t be fully present to both.
Every morning I have to decide between chores and chat, between care and cultivate and between my present and my future.
I have to make a decision…
I can’t make someone be lead to a possibility of full commitment while I become broken and incapable of fully committing myself to someone who’s really been good.
I decided to fully be there in my present and to rest my future in God’s hands.
It took faith and courage for me to let go. I said goodbye to Guy.
Either way, it was going to be painful.
Maybe it’s just a matter of time? Or maybe of season?
OR IS THIS COULD BE THE END OF MY BRIDE STORY?
For sure a lot of people wondered about my “stupid” decision. He was a great guy! “HALLER, GIRL?! FOR REAL?”
It might be senseless for others, but for me it was the best thing to do during that time. My desire to be fully present for my mama was stronger than my personal desire for what I wanted, my bride story.
I wanted to be fully present for my mama until the end.
But then again, God has his own ways…
Maybe God knows that I’m not good with goodbyes?
How can my bride story end like this?
My bride story turned into a moment of mourning…
My Bride Story… could this be the end?
Maybe it was just a matter of time and season?
I need clarity. I need closure.
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God)
THE FINALITY…. (tomorrow)